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MY GUEST (continued): Peaches Opens Up
I usually peek to see how Peaches is doing every morning when I go out to pick up the local fishwrap. She always gives me a chirp and a nod and that's all, but this morning she was more talkative. I guess it's boring sitting all day and night on those eggs, especially without her husband coming around as he should.
"Hi," she chirped cheerfully.
"Hi, yourself," I replied. "You must get tired of sitting so much. If I could fly we could take a spin around the block together."
She laughed. "Yeah, sure. And if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass on the ground. But I wish we could and that Herb would see us. He'd be so jealous he'd be back pronto."
"Herb?"
"Yeah, Herb. My loving husband." She got up and fussed with her nest a little. "Look," she continued, "I should tell you that I misspoke the other day when I told you that he was flying around with that slut, Hildegard."
"He's not?" I asked.
"No. I found out from one of my friends that she's gay. She only digs girls."
"Wow!" I exclaimed. "But maybe she's bi and goes both ways."
"Not hardly," she replied. "She's as butch as they come."
I suddenly felt a cold shadow come over the conversation. If he wasn't with Hildegard, then where was he? Peaches had a pained look on her face.
"I hope he wasn't as stupid as my first husband, Percy," she sighed.
I almost hated to ask. "What happened to Percy?"
She squinted her pretty eyes. "The stupid son-of-a-bitch died in a window crash."
"A window crash?"
"Yeah. We sometimes call it a WIDOW crash. He saw his reflection in a window and, thinking it was another male invading his territory, started fighting with it. Broke his damn neck. I yelled at him, 'Stop, you dumb son-of-a-bitch! Can't you see that's your own fucking reflection!' but it did no good."
There was a long pause. I tried to be comforting. "But he died thinking he was protecting you."
"Yeah, I know," she said. "I shouldn't think about bad memories, but I am concerned about Herb. It's just not like him to be away so long."
I fumbled around in my mind, trying to find something to say. "Look to the future," I offered, perhaps a bit lamely. "Herb will be back, you'll have three healthy chicks, you have a nice home here, I enjoy talking with you and I'll leave some sunflower seeds and some water right here on the ground beside you. Oh, and I think you're very pretty."
She wiped a little tear with her wing and cocked her head as though listening for something. Of course, I knew what that was.
"Thank you," she said. "A girl needs to hear something nice now and then."
(to be continued)
Perhaps to soothe her vanity, perhaps to advertise her possible availability, Peaches asked me to post a new and better picture of her, which I did.
Author's update: Sadly, this interview must be concluded. Peaches' nest has been ravaged, Peaches is gone and her three nestlings were evidently a meal for an evening or early-morning marauder. Herb had come back and was helping feed the nestlings and she'll no doubt nest again, but not in the same bush. No one is more sorry about this than am I. Life is hard, life is real. Des
"Hi," she chirped cheerfully.
"Hi, yourself," I replied. "You must get tired of sitting so much. If I could fly we could take a spin around the block together."
She laughed. "Yeah, sure. And if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass on the ground. But I wish we could and that Herb would see us. He'd be so jealous he'd be back pronto."
"Herb?"
"Yeah, Herb. My loving husband." She got up and fussed with her nest a little. "Look," she continued, "I should tell you that I misspoke the other day when I told you that he was flying around with that slut, Hildegard."
"He's not?" I asked.
"No. I found out from one of my friends that she's gay. She only digs girls."
"Wow!" I exclaimed. "But maybe she's bi and goes both ways."
"Not hardly," she replied. "She's as butch as they come."
I suddenly felt a cold shadow come over the conversation. If he wasn't with Hildegard, then where was he? Peaches had a pained look on her face.
"I hope he wasn't as stupid as my first husband, Percy," she sighed.
I almost hated to ask. "What happened to Percy?"
She squinted her pretty eyes. "The stupid son-of-a-bitch died in a window crash."
"A window crash?"
"Yeah. We sometimes call it a WIDOW crash. He saw his reflection in a window and, thinking it was another male invading his territory, started fighting with it. Broke his damn neck. I yelled at him, 'Stop, you dumb son-of-a-bitch! Can't you see that's your own fucking reflection!' but it did no good."
There was a long pause. I tried to be comforting. "But he died thinking he was protecting you."
"Yeah, I know," she said. "I shouldn't think about bad memories, but I am concerned about Herb. It's just not like him to be away so long."
I fumbled around in my mind, trying to find something to say. "Look to the future," I offered, perhaps a bit lamely. "Herb will be back, you'll have three healthy chicks, you have a nice home here, I enjoy talking with you and I'll leave some sunflower seeds and some water right here on the ground beside you. Oh, and I think you're very pretty."
She wiped a little tear with her wing and cocked her head as though listening for something. Of course, I knew what that was.
"Thank you," she said. "A girl needs to hear something nice now and then."
(to be continued)
Perhaps to soothe her vanity, perhaps to advertise her possible availability, Peaches asked me to post a new and better picture of her, which I did.
Author's update: Sadly, this interview must be concluded. Peaches' nest has been ravaged, Peaches is gone and her three nestlings were evidently a meal for an evening or early-morning marauder. Herb had come back and was helping feed the nestlings and she'll no doubt nest again, but not in the same bush. No one is more sorry about this than am I. Life is hard, life is real. Des
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